Thursday, February 23, 2006

The High Road is Damned Lonely

I'm posting at nearly 11 local time because I can't sleep. In fact, I'm very stupidly going through oodles of tissues and my nose is getting raw, but I'm indulging in a very uncharacteristic bout of tears.

I did something tonight I do not regret, although I am most upset with the outcome.

Those of you who know me well know I'm a type A sort of personality. I'm a "get 'er done" kind of girl. I take on a job, I organize it, I finish it. I'm also scrupulously honest. You don't often have to wonder what I'm thinking, I'll tell you. That doesn't mean I'll just blurt it out...I might think long and hard about how to say it, but I won't stab you in the back. I'll come right out and say it to your face, and expect that as mature adults we'll discuss it and work it out.

Because I'm that type of person, I think most of the world thinks I'm maybe a little harsh. Unrelenting, perhaps. I'm not sure what words others use to describe me...maybe a railroader? I don't know, I don't see myself as others see me, only how I feel inside. I do know that I have high expectations of myself, and of others. Not that people can't make mistakes, my god we're all fallible. And perhaps I always get the shit kicked out of me because I expect too much of people.

At a meeting tonight, I tried to open up a dialogue - an honest one - about something that happened recently that caused so much stress and upset that I really thought as a group we should deal with it. I was hoping someone else might bring it up so I wouldn't have to be the bad guy, but no such luck. I believe my opening words were, "Are we going to talk about what happened over the last few months?"

I got crucified. I spent nearly a week of my time covering someone's ass because they screwed up. I listened to everyone else bitch and whine over the situation, but in the end, it was me that took the heat. Not the person that screwed up. I deliberately tried to word it so that it wasn't a "blame" session, but a discussion on what happened and why it shouldn't ever happen again. There were six of us there tonight. One got the hell out before the discussion happened - she'd been forewarned of fireworks. Two others ripped me to shreds, then walked out. THe third...the person who really made a mess and had all sorts of excuses for it, was last. As a last ditch effort I really tried to make her see that this was not was about the organization and not her personally, and what I got in return was so cold and harsh that I just felt like I was left there to publicly bleed.

I had one supporter. At the end we were both crying, her because she's been there and because she felt bad for me...and me because I had the unmitigated gall to stand up for what I believed was right and be honest and upfront and was left in tatters.

I have feelings. I am a human being, and just because I stand up for my values and my belief that people should be accountable for their actions, doesn't mean I have no feelings. Doesn't mean I can't be hurt.

I haven't served on committees in so long I'd forgotten why I'd sworn them off so long ago. I was really reminded tonight.