Yes, that old demon Mr. Self Doubt has visited again. Yesterday was an interesting day.
When I get negative feedback, I have a process that I have to go through. One of my CP's is relatively new, so I don't think she's seen me go through this process before. SHe probably thinks I am nuts.
First, I get hurt and upset and perhaps even cry a little bit. I might even get a little angry and I definitely get frustrated. What is needed is for me to put the comments in perspective, but that takes time sometimes. After frustration I get depressed. As in "I Suck." or better yet, "Why do I punish myself? Why do I continually beat my head against a wall when (back to the beginning, say it together now) I SUCK." LOL
Eventually, I'll look at the critique again, work through it, get some ideas. Then I'll get determined. And suddenly I find I'm back to the beginning again where I refuse to quit and I soldier on.
This process can take a few hours, a few weeks or a few days. But invariably it happens. Yesterday was one of those days. But my CP was online and it sped up my process a lot being able to work through it in real time.
Last night I revised chapter one. I'm having a considerable amount of performance anxiety now. I took a hot bubble bath with Il Divo playing in the background. Had a wee bit of a cry (yes, I'm self-indulgent, sue me). Slept on it and woke up feeling almost normal.
While in the bath last night I came to two brilliant conclusions. One is that I'm a bit of a perfectionist. (I can hear you all laughing now. Yes, you've probably known that forever, ha ha.) Not to the point that every word in my ms has to be perfect. But more the type that when I want something, I go after it until I get it. And you know what? I usually get it. Thinking quickly I cannot remember a time when I didn't get something I really wanted...until now. It's taking SO long.
The other thing I realized is that I am an artist. Perhaps not a very good one but in my heart and soul I am an artist. I feel things deeply. I see things with a different point of view. Music has the ability to touch my soul; performing brings me joy. I could stop writing but I wouldn't stop being an artist.
And so I carry on.